Balls, Woods, and Tee Bags

Yes I am talking about golf. A few days ago I want golfing for the second time in my life. It wasn't pretty... unless the high score wins. There were three of us guys, plus two golf carts, and about 100 balls.

Story about the balls. I live close to the driving range of this golf course. So a buddy and I went ball hunting in the wooded area beside the driving range. It was getting close to dark so we figured that it would be hard to see us in the woods. About an hour later I had to call my wife to bail me out of jail for trespassing and...

Just kidding. We didn't get caught. We did wait until it got a bit darker and just walked across the range picking up balls. We collected 119 balls total. Needless to say, we gave some of them back when we hit them into the woods or into the water traps on the course. It was a blast. I shot 32 over par. Yes, yes I know that is terrible, but we had a good time and were back before noon. Next time I think the guys and I will play 18 holes and I will go for an even 50 over.

Sum sum summer time!

Man this past month has flown by. I can honestly say that I haven't thought about blogging at all until now. I have been spending my time at work and with my family so I have been a bit busy. Sorry to those of you who have been missing my cheeky wit. (Laughs a little)

So to catch everyone up to speed... since beginning my new job I have had a few frustrations mainly in the training area. I am some what experienced at what I do so being placed in a newbie training program was kind of a slap in the face. Apparently I voiced my opinion to people, unbeknownst to me, and received the title of "Cocky". So now I am sticking my big foot in my mouth to keep it shut. I have decided to just show my coworkers that I can put my money where my mouth is. So far I have been tole that I am far exceeding expectations.

I am not sure whether to take that as a compliment or to take it as they didn't expect very much out of me in the first place. I'll take it as a compliment. I think it is better that way.

We'll see how this all plays out. Besides, who can be angry with a guy in a Robin Egg blue shirt, right?

Hawaiian Shirt Friday U R doin it wrong

The Hawaiian Shirt thing was a bust today. No body and I mean NO BODY wore their shirts except for me. What a bunch of losers. That just tells me that there is no one with a sense of humor in the place.

On the other hand... today is Friday and there is a nice weekend to look forward to.

Hawaiian Shirt Friday

Since tomorrow is Friday, and I am working with new people, I thought that I would throw out the idea of Hawaiian Shirt Friday. It is the only day of the week where Hawaiian shirts are allowed to be worn by all the employees. I had to run it by my boss first because in my profession we must maintain certain outward appearance's. We have to wear khaki's and a button up shirt or better. So the official word that I got was that if it was a button up with a collar then it would be OK.

When a new group of people first meet you everyone forms the dreaded "First Impression". So I went for gold with my apparel announcement. I will be wearing a Hawaiian Shirt tomorrow and I encourage anyone that can to do the same. In fact... every Friday is Hawaiian Shirt Friday. I may just post a picture of me in my shirt tomorrow. I will report back on how many people actually show up in Hawaiian Shirts tomorrow.

Just sittin' there

Sitting in a classroom with no windows is kind of like a clogged toilet... I can't remember how those two fit together but I am going to share with you anyway.

Today I sat in a classroom with no windows, stacked desks, a ping pong table complete with paddles and balls, and a home work out rack with weights. I have to sit there listening to some guy talk about stuff I already am very familiar with and try to stay awake.

Oh yeah! Now I remember.

The best way for me to stay awake is to make myself as uncomfortable as possible. So during the 8.5 hours that I am there I refrain from using the "facilities" (aka. toilet, john, bathroom, etc.). This, in turn, makes the day go slower but the building pressure keeps me awake. If I did fall asleep I would probably wee (not wheeeee) all over myself, or do the other unimaginable. This also makes for an interesting drive home.

Let me tell you... it is NOT SAFE to do the pee pee dance while driving. Trust me!

So when I get home I must promptly head to the lavatory. This leads me to my second story.

A few days ago, after returning from work, I headed to the "head" only to find the toilet was filled up to the rim with water and little white floaters. When I asked about the toilet's state I was informed that Diamond had used too much toilet paper and clogged it. Despite my finest efforts with a plunger I couldn't get it unclogged.

So in a weird way... sitting in a classroom with no windows is like a clogged toilet. In both situations you just want to fall asleep and hope when you wake up you are dry and the situation is over.

Dirt between my pretty pretty toes

I spent the majority of the time out doors today with my gems. I may have been wearing shoes for about 10 minutes of the time. The grass was soft and it was just too inviting. The bad part is looking down and seeing a sort of gangrene look to your feet. I know it is just dirt and it will wash off but in a way I don't want it to. Dirty feet are like gnarled hands. You know that someone has been working hard to look like that. I was playing hard with my kids. There is a certain respect factor that goes along with that.

"Hey look at that guys feet"

"I know dude... they're filthy"

"Dude... move over and let him through. Show some respect for the hard working dirty feet guy"

It is almost like a Bud Light commercial.
"Real men of genius. Today we salute you... Mr. Filthy Feet Guy. You demand respect from those Air Jordan's, Sketchers, Adidas, and Timberland boot wearing guys."

Something like that.

I had a great time with Diamond and Peridot. We all had dirty feet and enjoyed every minute of making sure they got that way.

Electric Powder Blue

A few days ago at the store my wife says that I should get some new Polo's for work. I am thinking that it would be cool to have some new stuff to keep me looking "Fresh". I was also thinking that there was something behind all of the "you need new clothes" stuff. Typically when I get new stuff she does too. Which is alright because I like buying things for my wife. It makes her happy.

We just so happen to come across a polo shirt display that had a rainbow of colors. Immediately my wife says "Oh! You need one of these", and picks up a bright Caribbean blue polo.

Me: "Uh... you think I would look good in that?"
Wife: "Yes" (Holds it up to match it to my eyes) "Yes!"
Me: "... Oh Kay"

It this point I am not going to argue. If I didn't have my wife then I would match at all on any given day and i would be wearing things that didn't look good on me. After looking through several more shirts I said. I have no shorts for this summer and started looking around for the clearance rack of shorts. I found the khaki shorts in the middle of the men's section. I also saw a bunch of plaid shorts on the rack next to them. One pair caught my attention and I thought that I could match them with the Baby Powder Electric Caribbean Robin's Egg Blue shirt. Once again my wife came to my rescue. I held out a pair and she told me that they didn't match. I thought they were close enough but like I said earlier. I can't dress myself.

She asked me if I wanted a pair of plaid shorts. I told her that I was thinking of matching a pair with the shirt for summer functions and just to be goofy. We then saw another rack that had the shorts. I think that the shorts and the shirt were meant to go together because the matched perfectly... at least that was what I was told. So I now have a matching pair of Bright Electric Baby Powder Robin's Egg Caribbean Sky Swimming Pool Blue plaid shorts with matching shirt.

Bugs in my Teeth and Time to Think

While driving the other day I found myself diving into the furthest reaches of my mind. Listing to the soothing sounds on my iPod accompanied by the rhythmic splat of bug guts on the windshield helped me lull into a deep sense of serenity.

Heh... that'll be the day. There were so many friggin bugs that I had to stop several times and wash the wind shield just so I could see the road and the cops ahead of me.

I was listening to my iPod though. The calming music of Metallica, Korn, and Pearl Jam.

The day was bright and sunny with big puffy clouds and I was pissed. I couldn't help but get mad because when I have time to think I usually get frustrations off my chest. If my mother heard me she would be offended. Not by my language but by the content of my anger driven outbursts... at no one.

Did I mention that I was all alone in the car. People that I passed were probably laughing at the crazy guy screaming at nobody.

I have been angry at my mother for a while and I took the opportunity to lash out at her in her absence. That way she doesn't hear... I can get out my raw emotions... and my family doesn't suffer from post traumatic stress syndrome after their daddy and hubby blew his stack spewing forth many many obscenities that have only been heard in an Andrew Dice Clay comedy special.

I do feel better now though. :)

Staying strong through temptation

Ever notice when you are walking down the cookie aisle there is one bag that seems to be staring you down, sending subliminal messages, saying you want me... you need me... take me home with you and eat me before dinner?

Yeah me neither!


So while I was walking through the aisles at the local grocery mart I stopped and stared down the aisle with all the cookies. I was at the end looking all the way to the other end when the aisle started getting longer. All the bags of cookies had eyes that seemed to beckon to me.

Yes I am a guy... this wasn't the chocolate isle. I do the same thing in the camping section at Wal-Mart.

Then one bag jumped out of it's place into my cart. I couldn't believe my eyes. It had tendrils that wrapped themselves around the metal bars. This bag of cookies was going no where.

Much to my dismay, I knew that I shouldn't buy these tasty morsels that can only be described as... OREOs. I was in a bitter bitter struggle between the yummy goodness of the cream filling and the 4 friggin' dollars they would cost me.

Then... out of the corner of my eye there was a bright shinning light. Like the light of thousands of candles. It was my savior come to free me from the terrible grasp of sandwich cookie hell.

It was... the generic version for a dollar fifty. I was saved!

Until next time. :)

If it were a snake... it would have bit me.

Have you ever head that phrase, "if it were a snake it wold have bit ya"?

I have been privy to a few things that have just made me appreciate the creative genius of some people. Everyday people pass things by that look completely normal but are in fact not. Since I was a young boy I have been fascinated with things that are hidden right out in plane sight. Like secret doorways, stair cases, and viewing holes. Most recently I have come across several containers that didn't look like containers. They were chameleon containers. They matched their background not only in color but in shape, size, and were sometimes adorned with objects found in the general area. The military would call this cover and concealment.

Simply put it is something that appears to be one thing but in fact is another. I stumbled upon several of these items today and found that.............
they weren't government conspiracy objects or spy gear or anything like that. They were just simply containers of different sorts. Kind of cool if you ask me.

The wheels are turning though... I have my eyes open.

Blue Balls Bouncing

Man my butt hurts!

That is not the thing a guy should say with a title like the one I have, but there is a good reason for both. My butt hurts because it has been a while since I have ran or worked out. And the Blue Balls that were Bouncing were racquet balls.

I went to the racquet ball court with three guys. Bob, Tom, and Greg all have their own racquet ball racquets and gloves. Upon sight of these I knew I was in trouble because I don't have either. I had to "borrow" a racquet from the gym. Anyone who has ever borrowed public equipment knows that it is shoddy at best... but I dealt with it. It was fun to just be able to play.

It is a common occurrence that the little blue rubber ball makes contact with you body at high velocity. It doesn't hurt too bad but it does sting a little. Friend Bob has a serve that bounces off the wall right above his partners head... or right next to his partners head... or off his partners head. It all depends where his partner is standing. So while playing with Bob, Tom, and Greg it is imperative that you keep an eye out for the ball and be able to move very quickly.

Greg, whom was on Bob's team, can not move quick enough. This was proven by several blue balls smacking him in the head, shoulder, and gut. Poor, poor Greg...what did he do to deserve that kind of punishment. I'll tell you what he did. He stood still.

Now Tom and I got our fair share of smacks with the ball but I think Greg got hit the most and Bob got hit the worst. I remember tattooing Bob on two occasions. One hit him square in the left calf and left a wasp sting sized welt immediately after impact. The other time was a neer miss. Bob served and I returned it hard and low. Low and hard enough to fly straight between Bobs legs... hit the crotch of his shorts... and still make it to the wall. To Bob's relief his plumbing was not hit but it was rattled a bit from the concussion of the crotch shot.

I like racquet ball and hope to some day have my own racquet and the ability to play regularly.

Troubles on the cheesewagon

I just found out that Peridot was having trouble with some of the kids on the bus. They were making fun of her name. Typical kid stuff but it irritates me none the less. My first reaction is to contact the school and talk to the bus driver but I know that it will only make things worse if I do those things. The other option that I see is to teach her how to deal with people like that. She will have to learn sometime... I guess now is better than later. So against my better judgement I have devised a few things that she can say to the other kids to shut them down. I know that P wont like to say them because she truly is a Gem. She doesn't like to be mean to anyone except Diamond, but that is to be expected.

What do you tell your child to say to other kids that is within a healthy criteria of phrases that will diffuse a situation instead of fuel it? There are the classic phrases like "your momma" or "whatever". There is a new one that seems to work well. I learned it from a friend and it is mostly used in jest but I think it might work. If someone calls you a name just say "So's your face". I mean... what can any one say back to that except the same thing. Then when they do say it back you can laugh at them and say "You're sooooo original" then shake your head and walk away. Or talk to someone else if your on the bus.

It has been my experience that if someone is picking on you, all that needs done is for you to point out one of their flaws to the group. Then the group will begin picking on them and you can walk away with your pride intact.

But does a child think like that? I don't think so. In a world where social standing is so important one little put down can be devastating. Especially if you don't have the confidence to tell yourself that they are just hating on you and that what they say doesn't really matter. How do you teach a child confidence? I think it is by giving them the tools to handle bullies.

I think it is time to start teaching my girls how to defend themselves both emotionally and physically.

Intro to the Rawx

Hello to all my current fans... which are none as of yet. I am Granite. I have chosen this name to remain anonymous. My family consists of three gems. My wife Topaz, and my daughters Peridot and Diamond. Instead of typing out their names every single time I will refer to them affectionately as T, P, and D. I plan to share insights, opinions, and beliefs here and still have a little fun. I hope that I don't offend anyone. If I do... well, that's why I choose to be anonymous.